#161 What Resentment Might Be Trying to Tell You

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there, welcome back to Your Favorite You.

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I am still Melissa Parsons, your host, and as always, so grateful that you are listening to me today. So I want you to think right now, just kind of ponder if there is anything that you are resentful about right now.

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Maybe it's something big, like your job is really draining you, or you're in a relationship that feels really one-sided. Or maybe it's something that feels kind of small, you know, the way someone leaves dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher, or how you're always the one who has to schedule everything for your family, or maybe that commitment that you keep showing up to even though you dread it.

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Here's what I want you to know. Your resentment isn't a problem. Remember, none of your emotions are a problem. They're all information and your resentment is information too. It is your inner wisdom trying to tell you something important.

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And today we're going to try to figure out what it's trying to say. So I'm going to use myself as an example. So for years, I had resentment building toward other people making my schedule when I worked for other people.

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So I would look at my calendar and feel this annoyance that would sometimes flare into real anger. Like, why do I have to be the one who always sees the walk-ins on Mondays? Why can't I control my own schedule?

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Why do I have to ask permission from these other people who are not my bosses to take time off? I tried to tell myself it was just part of having a job, that everyone deals with this, that I should be grateful to have work.

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But that resentment kept building up until it became part of what helped me make the leap to being a self-employed entrepreneur. The resentment was trying to tell me that I needed more autonomy. I needed to be in charge of my own time and that the structure that I was working in wasn't working for me anymore.

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Before I got coaching on my marriage from my lovely Maggie, I also had these little resentments building in my relationship with John. We've talked about his socks on the floor next to his side of the bed every single morning.

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That was a little resentment that just kept building and building. The way that he cooks like the Swedish chef from the Muppets, he makes a glorious mess in our kitchen multiple times a week that he doesn't seem to see.

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I mean, he cleans it up, but of course, not to my perfectionistic satisfaction. And really, who gets resentful at their husband cooking dinner for them every night and cleaning up after them every night?

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How ridiculous, right? But there I was, resentful about greasy fingerprints on my white cabinets and crumbs on my dark hardwood floors. And these were floors and cabinets that I chose, by the way. I chose the finishes.

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I felt guilty about that. Like, what kind of person gets resentful about socks and cooking messes when they have a partner who shows up for them consistently over time and consistently feeds the family.

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Working with Maggie, I realized I was making these things that my husband did or didn't do mean something painful about me. Like if he really loved me and valued me, he'd remember to pick up his socks.

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I'm not his maid, right? If I really mattered and he, you know, really cared about me in the kitchen, he would clean up after cooking. Like I realize how silly these things sound right now, but I know that some of you are going to relate to this.

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So my coach helped me see that I had power to look at things differently. She, of course, helped me see what an awesome partner I have in so many ways. And suddenly the socks on the floor and the greasy fingerprints just became socks on the floor and fingerprints, not a statement about my worth or my value.

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The resentment was trying to tell me, you're making this mean something it doesn't mean, Melissa. You're looking for validation in the wrong places. I also had resentment toward trying to keep relationships going with friends that I didn't realize had expiration dates, friendships and partnerships that had run their course, connections that no longer served either of us.

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But I kept forcing things because we'd been friends for so long or we used to be so close. I'd feel resentful every time I had to show up for these relationships, every time I felt obligated to stay connected to someone that I'd honestly outgrown.

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And my resentment was trying to tell me this relationship had an expiration date and you've passed it. It's okay to let go and it's okay to love this person and to love the version of you that love this person and still move on.

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Resentment usually shows up as a low-level annoyance. It's something small that bugs you, but you tell yourself it's not that big of a deal. And then it builds and it builds. And unless you do something about it, it typically grows into something much bigger.

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My clients can call it different things, annoyance, frustration, feeling unsettled, feeling restless. Often when we dig deeper with me asking pointed questions, we get to the real thing, and that's typically resentment.

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And here's what makes it complicated. They often feel guilty about the resentment because they perceive the things causing it as little or inconsequential, saying to themselves, I really shouldn't be bothered by this, or it's such a small thing, or other people have it so much worse.

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But what they don't realize is that resentment that's not dealt with definitely compounds over time. These little things add up and they accumulate interest. And suddenly what started as mild annoyance can become a major issue.

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Often they don't even recognize that they're resentful because they're sticking to a decision that they made some time ago, a decision that made sense then, but doesn't make sense in their current situation and circumstances.

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So for example, maybe they agreed to host every holiday when they had more time and energy. Maybe they took on a volunteer role when their kids were younger. Maybe they committed to something when they had different priorities.

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That decision made sense at the time, but now they're different. Their life is different. Their needs are different. And they're resentful about continuing to honor a commitment that no longer serves them.

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But they feel stuck because they said they would. Often, resentment can be a signal that a boundary has been crossed, either by someone else or by you. Someone keeps calling you at inconvenient times.

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Someone assumes you'll always be available. You keep saying yes when you want to say no. We've talked about this before, right? The resentment is your inner wisdom saying, hey, a line has been crossed here. I need to address this. Sometimes resentment shows up when you have an unmet need that you haven't communicated, or maybe you don't even really recognize it yourself. You need more rest. You need more support.

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You need more words of affirmation. You need more autonomy. The resentment is trying to tell you there's something you need that you're not getting. So pay attention. This is a big one. So many of us, especially brilliant, capable women who can technically do everything, say yes to things we don't want to do, out of obligation, out of guilt, out of the dreaded, I should.

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And every time we say yes, when we mean no, a little bit of resentment builds. The resentment is saying, stop abandoning yourself. Stop prioritizing everyone else's needs above your own. When you're doing things because you quote unquote have to or you quote unquote should instead of because you want to, resentment builds.

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Even good things, spending time with family, volunteering for causes you care about can build resentment if you're doing them from obligation rather than genuine desire. So the resentment might be asking, are you doing this because you want to or because you think you're supposed to?

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I have a client. I'm going to give you guys a couple examples. So I have a client who's divorced and she was trying to make sure that her kids had a good relationship with their dad. She was bending over backward, really pretzeling herself, adjusting her schedule, being super flexible about custody, always speaking positively about him, even when he disappointed the kids.

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And she was becoming increasingly resentful. Resentful that he didn't seem to put in the same effort. Resentful that she was doing all of this emotional labor. Resentful that the kids didn't seem to even appreciate or know what she was doing.

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And how could they, right? When we dug into it, we discovered something important. Ensuring her kids have a good relationship with their dad isn't her job. It simply is not. She has no control over that relationship.

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She has control over three things. How she speaks about their dad in front of those kids. How she treats their dad when the kids are around. And her own relationship with her kids. That's it. She was trying to pretzel everything to create something she had zero control over.

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And the resentment was trying to tell her, stop. You're taking on responsibility that isn't yours. You're trying to control something you simply cannot control. You can stop. Another client example, she was trying to keep her relationship going with her husband's family when her husband actually had no interest in being close with them.

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She would plan visits, try to maintain connection. She would always be the one who was calling and checking in on them. And then she was becoming more and more resentful toward her husband. Why didn't he want to spend time with his family?

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Why wasn't family important to him? She has a belief that family is very important, and she couldn't understand why he didn't share that value. And of course, resentment kept building until we really looked at what was happening.

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Her husband wasn't being difficult or ungrateful. He was actually protecting her and their kids and himself, frankly, from the dysfunction of his family of origin. He'd experienced some real harm growing up and he was maintaining a boundary to keep his immediate family safe.

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She was trying to cross a boundary he'd set for a good reason. Once she understood that, everything shifted. She still has the belief that family is very important, and so does he, actually. But now they define their family as the two of them, their kids, and their chosen family, not his family of origin.

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The resentment was trying to tell her, you're fighting against a boundary that is actually protecting you. You're missing the real issue. Do you see a pattern in both of these stories? So my clients were taking on responsibilities that weren't theirs, trying to control things they couldn't control, and fighting against boundaries that were actually serving them.

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The resentment was trying to get their attention. So now you're probably thinking, okay, Melissa, now what do I do with this resentment? First, once you figure out what your resentment is trying to tell you, thank it. Send it some gratitude. I know that sounds strange, but your resentment is your inner wisdom trying to protect you, trying to guide you towards something different. Thank you for telling me this boundary has been crossed.

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Thank you for showing me I have an unmet need. Thank you for letting me know I'm abandoning myself. Then ask the resentment, what does it need from me? What action does it want me to take? Maybe it needs you to have a conversation.

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Maybe it needs you to set a boundary. Maybe it needs you to start doing something. Maybe it needs you to stop doing something. It could need you to let go of an old commitment or an expired relationship.

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And listen, you guys, you don't have to fix everything all at once. Just take one small action in the direction your resentment is pointing you toward. If you're resentful about always hosting holidays, maybe start a conversation about rotating next year.

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If you're resentful about your schedule, maybe block off some time every week for you that's non-negotiable. If you're resentful about a relationship, maybe you stop initiating contact and see what happens.

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Sometimes with my amazing Scottish, Swedish chef cooking mess example, the resentment is trying to tell you that you're making something mean something it doesn't actually mean. Your partner's habits aren't about your worth or your value.

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Your friend's busy schedule isn't about how much they care about you or how much they value you and your friendship. Ask yourself, what am I making this mean about me? And is it actually true? Here's what I know for sure about this.

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Ignored resentment does not go away. It compounds, it grows, it seeps into everything. That little annoyance becomes a big problem. That small boundary violation becomes a relationship ending issue if you let it.

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Your resentment is trying to help you. Listen to it before it gets so loud that you can't ignore it anymore. So this week, I invite you to do a resentment inventory. Ask yourself, what am I resentful about right now?

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Big or small, write it all down. Don't judge it as usual. Just notice it. Then for each thing on your list, ask, what is this resentment trying to tell me? You can use some of these questions to try to decode your resentment.

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Has a boundary been crossed by someone else or by me? What need of mine isn't being met? Where am I saying yes where I mean no? Am I doing this out of obligation or genuine desire? Am I trying to control something out of my control?

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Am I taking on responsibility that actually is not mine? Am I sticking to an old decision that no longer serves me? What am I making this mean about me that might not be true? Pick one item from your resentment inventory, just one.

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Figure out what it's trying to tell you. Then take one small action based on that information. You don't have to solve everything, ever. You just have to start listening. Resentment isn't the enemy. Resentment is information.

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It's your inner wisdom trying to get your attention, trying to guide you toward what you need, trying to protect you from continuing to abandon yourself. The problem is not that you feel resentful. The problem comes when you ignore it, judge it, or tell yourself you shouldn't feel it.

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So I want to give you permission to listen to your resentment, to thank it for trying to help you, to take it seriously, even when it feels small, to honor the boundaries it's asking you to set, the needs it's asking you to meet, the old commitments it's asking you to release.

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If you're carrying resentment and ready to decode what it's trying to tell you, I'd love to work with you. This is exactly the kind of work we do in coaching here at Melissa Parsons Coaching, figuring out what your emotions are trying to tell you and taking action based on that wisdom.

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Because becoming a favorite version of you means listening to all the parts of yourself, even the resentful ones, and maybe especially the resentful ones. All right, everybody, thanks again so much for listening and I will be back with you next week. 

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!