Today's special guest is the one and only Maggie Reyes, who helps Type A women have better marriages, and to find more love and delight in their relationships.
Maggie is dropping oodles of wisdom, a few truth bombs, and lots of insight that'll bring you closer to finding your favorite you.
Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach and Modern Marriage Mentor who specializes in helping driven, ambitious women create their best marriages without waiting for their partners to change or adding more work to their lives.
She is the creator of The Marriage MBA Program, a 6-month mentorship in creating a successful marriage using principles from positive psychology, cognitive science and simple coaching tools that you can learn today and apply tomorrow.
Maggie is the author of the best-selling Questions for Couples Journal which has over 3,000 4-star ratings on Amazon.
She is also the host of the The Marriage Life Coach Podcast, which is consistently ranked among the top 2 percent podcasts out of over 2 million podcasts tracked by ListenNotes.
When she isn't teaching or coaching, she loves obsessing over Bridgerton, reading fan fiction, sexy romance novels and watching superhero movies and Mexican Rom Coms with her hubby.
"If your favorite you feels far away, I just want to offer to you that it's not all or nothing. There are pieces of you right now that you can look at, and be proud of, and say, 'I got through this and it's a miracle.' And I just invite you to tune into that part of you that's already your favorite you." – Maggie
The doors are open for my group coaching program! Since you’re ready to become your favorite version of you, click here to schedule a conversation to see if working together is a good fit.
What You'll Learn:
Maggie's Four Tenants of a healthy relationship
Powerful questions you can ask yourself to deepen your awareness
Maggie's biggest issue with the book The 5 Love Languages
Why we can't expect one person to fill every relationship bucket
"If you become your favorite you, and you figure out what matters to you, and you figure out what you want, you come at life with such a more empowered position than thinking life is happening to you." -Melissa
We are always evolving- always changing- and Maggie's insights on how to harness that continuous cycle for both your marriage and yourself are gold.
Listen in and see exactly why I talk about Maggie all the damn time.
Listen to the Full Episode:
How to Connect with Maggie:
Web | maggiereyes.com
Instagram | @themaggiereyes
Podcast | The Marriage Life Coach Podcast
Featured on the Show:
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Questions for Couples Journal by Maggie Reyes
Episode 6: Rethinking the Five Love Languages on The Marriage Life Coach Podcast
The Marriage Life Coach Podcast, ep 29: Releasing the Need to Be Right with Dr. Melissa Parsons
The Marriage Life Coach Podcast, ep 99: The Power of Going First with Melissa Parsons
Full Episode Transcript
Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intention.
My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend. If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.
Hello everyone. Welcome back to Your Favorite You. I am joined by another very special guest today on the podcast. She is one of the people who has been majorly responsible for helping me find my favorite me over the past five years. And you have heard her talk about her, or you have heard me talk about her ad nauseum already on the podcast and you even heard my hubby declare his love for her on Valentine's Day, um, on the podcast that he and I did together.
So, if I had a way to insert a drum roll, I would do that right now. But welcome to the Your Favorite You Podcast, the one and only Maggie Reyes.
Maggie: Hello everyone. Hi Melissa. I'm so excited to be here.
Melissa: Yeah. Thank you so much for doing me the honor of being a guest. You already know that I appreciate you for so many things, so we'll just add this to the list, and we can have a mutual love and, and appreciation-fest later. We don't have to do that in front of the people.
Maggie: Everyone. You just need to know we both love each other very much, and we're very effusive in our expressions of love.
Melissa: Yes. And there's tears sometimes in—
Melissa: A surprise twist that no one saw coming. So, my first thing that I want to start off with, Maggie, is given the title of this podcast, let's ask you to tell us all about your favorite you.
Maggie: Ooh, Juicy! Okay. What is my favorite me? I think that it's so interesting, um, last night as we're recording this, it was Valentine's last night. Um, you'll hear this whenever you hear it. Hi people, whenever you're hearing it. But when, so last night, I was answering questions from the Questions for Couples Journal with my husband, as one does.
I wrote the book for anybody who doesn't know. So, I was answering questions from my own book. And one of the questions was how, it was something about like, "how did you express anger when you were a child and how do you do it now? And like, what's different?" And it was so interesting because I was mean.
And I would hold on to things for a very long time. I still hold on to things sometimes now, but much less than before. And thinking about that juxtaposition of like some of the ways that I was as a child when I didn't have the tools that I have now and the mindsets that I have now, and thinking about me now, it's like, oh, my favorite me is thoughtful.
My favorite me is intentional. My favorite me takes risks and says things, you know, because they feel like the right thing in that moment. And so, I think my favorite me is, is the part of me that slows down, that isn't reactive, that engages with creativity, that engages with love. That my favorite me can be very fierce, um, but can also be very gentle.
And my favorite me allows for the range between fierce and gentle and everything in between.
Melissa: I love that. And anybody who knows Maggie, you know, to hear her say that she was mean is probably pretty jarring because everyone who knows her, in my opinion, thinks about her as embodied love and love in a person.
So, that's so interesting that that used to be how you would carry out your business through life and when you were little and younger and…
Melissa: Like, that doesn't, it doesn't jive with who you are today.
Maggie: Which just proves people can evolve, right? People can change. People can get better. I had a lot of limiting beliefs back then. I was more easily triggered, you know, as a, as a much younger person. And over time I've just, I've used all the things you teach on the podcast. I've used, you know, um, all these, these ways of getting to know myself better. Understanding also, what are my limits? You know, uh, what do I need in terms of rest to be, be able to be my favorite me, right?
Maggie: So, no judgment on that little girl who had no idea what she was doing, right? Like, I love her so much and we all have, right, the light and the shadow inside of us. And we all have pieces of us that, um, that we will always have. It's just like, what is their role in our life now? It's a little bit different.
Melissa: Yeah. So, beautiful. I'm surprised that you didn't mention that your favorite you is like a big old nerd who embraces her nerdiness and her—
Maggie: A hundred percent nerd. Yes, please. Star Fleet. Bridgeton. Bring it. All the nerd.
Melissa: I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay, awesome. One of the concepts that you teach us when you're coaching us on our relationships is that partnership, perspective, and pleasure are the original three tenets of a healthy relationship.
Melissa: And then because your favorite you very likely course corrects when you see something coming up for your clients over and over and over again—
Melissa: You added a fourth tenant of personal power. Can you tell my listeners why these four things are so important?
Maggie: Oh my gosh, it will be my pleasure. I just, for everyone listening, I had no idea what the questions would be and I'm just so excited to just dig into it, so I'm going to repeat them. So, perspective, partnership, and pleasure. When I was originally thinking about if I were to distill every relationship problem to its core essence, right? If I was like, I don't know, uh, at a whiskey distillery and I was like taking all the stuff out, right, and just leaving the core things, when we go to solve any problem in any relationship, whether it's at home, at work—so if you're married or in a relationship, great.
With anyone it's: how am I thinking about it? Which is the perspective. Is there another way that I could think about it that would be more useful, that would get me closer to what I want here? Or closer to resolution here? Partnership. Are we working as a team? Are we working united toward the goal? Are we not in partnership? So, anything related to teamwork, right?
So, perspective, partnership, and then pleasure. Are we having fun? Are we enjoying our time together? And in marriage situations, pleasure is the bucket where we also talk about sexual connection and physical pleasure with each other. But it is much deeper than, than—it includes sex, but it isn't only sex. It's also can we laugh with each other?
Can we laugh about things that we used to argue over? Right? Like, and if you think about just working in a team, right? Prospective, partnership, and pleasure. If you go to work and you think negatively most of the day, that's the perspective part. You're not going to have fun at work. You're not going to thrive if you go to work, and your team is all individuals going for their own goals and not really working together.
That's not going to thrive if no one is having any fun. Right? I'm not going to thrive. So, I taught this for a couple of years; I don't know, for a while. And as I was teaching this, I, and, and my clients were out in the world, you know, using these ideas and checking, okay, how am I feeling? Where's the partnership? Are we having fun?
Like they were experimenting with all of this. I found that underneath that or like the support of that, or, or, or a really essential part was that last one, which was personal power. Which was showing up in your relationship. So, for everyone listening, if it's a romantic relationship, if it's a work relationship, showing up in your relationship as if I matter.
So, in order to do the perspective, the partnership, the pleasure, and really investigate those and, and really lead in shifting those, part of the core belief that I need to adopt, if I don't already have it, or if it's buried underneath a bunch of layers of other limiting things, is: I matter.
Maggie: And very often just engaging with "I matter." My perspective matters, my desires matter, my point of view matters. If I'm talking with my boss or with colleagues, just engaging with "I matter" starts shifting the other three.
Melissa: Yeah. So, good. And I mean, I think that that's kind of what I've been sharing on the podcast. Like if you become your favorite you, and you figure out what matters to you, and you figure out what you want and that type of thing, you come at life with such a more empowered position—
Melissa: Than like thinking life is happening to you. You know, that type of thing. So, so good. So, so good. I love it. Okay. My next—we're going to shift gears a little bit.
Melissa: And I'm going to say that most people have either heard about the book or read the book, the Five Love Languages.
Melissa: And you have a whole podcast episode about rethinking the Five Love languages.
Melissa: And just kind of a different perspective. So, yeah, tell me briefly where you see using the Five Love Languages is tripping couples up.
Maggie: Okay, so the Five Love Languages is the most-sold relationship book on earth. So, for people who buy relationship books, it's the book that they buy.
Maggie: And it can be very helpful as a tool for awareness. But when I mean a tool for awareness is knowing, oh, I love to receive love in this way. That's great. Wonderful. We're fine with that. What often happens is instead of using it as a tool for awareness, people will use it as a weapon of disconnection.
So, what I mean by that is they find out, for example, they take this little quiz that you take to find out how you like to receive love. And then they say, "oh, well, I love words of affirmation."
That's one of the ways to receive love is like compliments or praise. And then they'll go home to their partner, and they'll say, "well, I like words of affirmation, so I need them from you. Like right now, please. Order up." Right? And then maybe their partner isn't the most verbal, expressive person and doesn't have the skill of praising effectively.
Maggie: For whatever reason, right?
Maggie: And so, we expect, we find out our love language and then we expect immediate fluency. It's, it's like, "oh, I love being whispered to in French." And it's like, "but I don't speak French. I don't know French. I'd ha—it would take me five years to like learn French. And even then, I'd probably not speak it, you know, well."
Melissa: Right, right, right, right.
Maggie: So, then we, so we, we do this thing where we expect immediate fluency, and then we blame our partner and make them wrong for not having it.
Maggie: And one of the things that was very jarring to me, uh, is I had a client who—with the best interest, you know, with the best intentions of her heart—had gone to the counselor. The counselor had given her the book, um, without much context, and without much direction or guidance, and everyone, with their best intentions, but sort of left to their own devices, my client found out that her husband's thing was… I don't know what it was, whatever. Let's say it was quality time.
Maggie: Or, or it was something that she couldn't really do very well. And when she came to me just believed that was she was doomed. Because she couldn't do that language and she couldn't do it very well. And because of that, you know, they should just give up.
And that really was very jarring to me. And the more that I started, um, hearing those stories, the more I was like, wait, wait, wait. We need to just take a moment. And that's why the podcast episode I did is called Rethinking the Five Love Languages, which as a tool for awareness? Great. As a weapon for disconnection, let's everybody slow our role, right?
And, and I love sharing with people that my, in my personal life, I love praise. When I need praise, I ask Melissa, right? Among many other people in my life, right? My husband is a person who is a man of action. He will cook me dinner so that I can record a podcast, or he will, you know, stop by the grocery store on the way home and get milk, you know, if we need something. Or things like that.
He's a man of action, so he is never going to walk in the door and say, Maggie, you're such a brilliant genius and I'm so delighted I married you. Like this is just not happening.
Maggie: He's going to say, here's the milk, right?
Maggie: And so, what I started doing in my own relationship, when I had more awareness around this, was I just said I received that like a sonnet. I received that like a love song. I receive it, like if he had told me, you know, ten paragraphs of flowery, beautiful words.
And what happens over time, that I've like now observed is, I don't feel like anything's missing.
Maggie: So, it's not about settling or being without the thing that satisfies you or anything like that. It's about looking at the way that your partner is expressing their love for you and then opening yourself to receive that.
Maggie: And then seeing, you know, for some people, um, it could be a deal breaker. So, like, want to honor that, too. Like, for some people they're just like, no, I need, um, physical touch and my partner is just completely not available for any of that. And that's a super, like, I totally honor that. Yeah. But for so many people, if they just have that tweak in perspective, like we talked about, it's like, wait, how else could I look at this?
"Oh, I like to receive love in this way. Well, maybe I can have that need met in a variety of ways and maybe I can still receive what my partner is giving me." So, that's the gist.
Melissa: Yeah, I love it. I mean, I don't think it'll come as a surprise to anyone. Jon's love language is 'acts of service.' Like, sounds like Mariano.
Melissa: And mine is 'words of affirmation.' Sounds like, like yours.
Melissa: And so, you know, before Jon and I realized this, you know, he would be doing all these acts of service for me, and his way of showing love, and I would be saying all these words. My way of showing love or receiving love. I guess is, I think the way that you receive it is how you think everyone should want it and receive it, right?
Maggie: Yeah. Very often. Yes.
Melissa: But like you said, like realizing like. meal prepping for the entire family for the week, or going to the grocery store, or maintaining our garden, or you know, cleaning up the kitchen at night before he goes to bed.
Like all those acts of service, now I see as him showing me love. And same. Like he's able to see that even though I forget to perform some act of service, I still love him and I, you know, love to use my words to tell him, and that type of thing, and he receives it from me that way. So, I think it's so, so important.
And I've seen a lot of my clients too, doing the same thing, using it as a weapon. Saying like, well, if you can't show me love in my love language, then, you know, obviously we're not matching.
Maggie: I'm out.
Maggie: Right? As opposed to, I don't know if, if, if you speak German and I speak Spanish, but we both speak English, can we just talk in English?
Like, do I have to force you to learn Spanish? Or you force me to learn German? Like what if we just go with a thing that we already both can do?
Melissa: Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, good. And luckily—this is information that's TMI, but that's my MO for, for both of us—our second love language is physical touch.
Melissa: So, that works for us.
Maggie: Yes. And so, that one is like very harnessed, very developed, very connected.
Maggie: And so, I really want for people to realize your, just like your favorite, you, your favorite relationship is messy and imperfect and human and beautiful. And that doesn't make it any less.
Melissa: Right, and I think that like we can't expect one person to be all the things to us.
Maggie: Oh my God. Yes, please. Like, say it again.
Melissa: We cannot expect any one person to fill every little bucket that we have, that we need for love, and that type of thing. It's just not fair. Like I don't want to be that one person for Jon that can do all the things. Like I want him to have friends, and I want him to have his job that he loves, and I want him to have his Peloton that he loves.
And, you know, being outside by the fire pit and reading books and listening to podcasts and like, you know? So, I think that that's just, I, it's—I think a lot of people get tripped up by it and it's worth talking about.
Maggie: It's really important. You know, that all that book from many years ago, it takes a village? It was about raising kids. But it really does take a village to live a full life. And we have a lot of cultural narratives that tell us, as we're growing up, and as we're kids, and like fairy tales and stories and movies and all these things that point us toward this one person. And I love the idea that somebody's your person, like, I get it, it's fine.
But also, that one person cannot fulfill every role. And when I'm teaching it, what I tell people is just pick your favorite actor. So, everybody, right now, in your mind, pick your favorite actor. Who's Melissa's?
Melissa: Johnny Bailey.
Maggie: Johnny Bailey from Bridgerton. Hell yes. Okay. We love Johnny Bailey. But imagine that you watched a movie where Johnny Bailey was playing every role. So, he was the serious person, and the comic relief, and the bad guy, and the good guy, and the romantic lead, and this, and that, and… Like, as much as we love Johnny Bailey right?
Maggie: You can't have him be every role in the movie. And this is what we do to our partners. We're like, oh, I want to talk to you about science, but I also want to talk to you about groceries, but I also want to talk to you about my lipstick color, and I also want to talk to you about what Oprah said, and then about Melissa's podcast, and then, and then, and then. Right.
Melissa: Yeah. Right.
Maggie: And. I mean, so many people know that doesn't work. But what we want to tell you is why it doesn't work is it should have never been one person to begin with. It's a village.
Melissa: Right, right, right. Yeah. As much as I love the movie Jerry Maguire, that line like, "you complete me."
Melissa: Like, fucked so many people over, I think. Too funny. Too funny. Okay. You ready for the next topic, lady?
Maggie: Ready. Bring it.
Melissa: You have coached probably hundreds, maybe even thousands, of women at this point. What do you think is the most common thought error, or behavior that most of us struggle with in relationship?
Maggie: Ooh, what a juicy question. So, definitely hundreds. I don't think I'm to thousands quite yet, but definitely hundreds of women.
Melissa: I don't know, Maggie. I've seen you on these big coaching calls. I mean, you might not have coached 'em directly, but there were, yeah, several hundred on each call. So…
Maggie: So, fun. So, the biggest thought error when it comes to relationships, specifically.
Melissa: Or behavior that gets 'em tripped up?
Maggie: Well, I'm going to say the one that came to mind, there were probably other things, but the one that came to mind when you asked the question is some variable of: my partner just doesn't get me. Either they don't get it, or something around—or they don't care. So, there's a variable on that. It's: they either don't get it or they don't care, or there's some piece of that thought.
And it comes in different like flavors and sizes. It's kind of like ice cream. It comes in a lot of different flavors, but it's, we distill it down. It's that thought. And what happens is when you have that thought, like "they don't get it" or "they don't care," it blocks you from seeing the ways they do get it and that they do care.
It blocks you. Like if we think they don't care, very often we retreat. And then what happens is we start not caring.
Maggie: And then we start doing the thing that pissed us off, that we said they were doing, but when we start doing it, and so that's not helpful.
Melissa: Right, right, right. It's so good.
Maggie: And then we think something like "they don't get it." We block ourselves off from—
Melissa: what part of it can they get? What part of it can we collaborate on? Like usually most things are not black and white. They're not all or nothing.
There's, I'm always asking like, what is the middle way? Like what is the way forward? Where can we meet somewhere? You know, what is the nuance here?
And so, there may be something that your partner doesn't understand. That's fine. Maybe they don't get it. But maybe it doesn't matter whether they get it or not. They can just do it, anyway. Right? So, my husband loves video games and several years ago there was a concert. It's called Video Games Live. And it, it came nearby to us, so we went.
I'm like, I don't know why he wanted to go see video game music, but I was like, oh, I'm just going to go have fun with my husband. Whatever, you know. He wants to go. And it ended up being the most amazing experience, even though I didn't quote-unquote "get it." It was a full, like, full harmonic orchestra.
It was amazing. Um, they had a huge screen, like a rock concert with little clips from the video games that, you know, you know, everyone plays. And then they had the score like, like, like a music score from a soundtrack.
Melissa: Yeah. Yeah.
Maggie: But a game. And people were so into it. Just the energy of all these gamers gathered to hear basically, in essence classical music.
Yeah. It was like phenomenal. But when I was going to it, I was like; I don't, I don't get this. Right? And so, sometimes it didn't matter. Like I was just willing to not get it and still do the thing.
So, sometimes we have to let go of having our partner have to get why it's so important, why it matters so much. Are they willing to do it? Let's check that.
Melissa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you willing to ask them?
Maggie: Yeah. Yeah.
Melissa: For … as a request.
Maggie: As a request. A request has no emotional price to pay at the end. A demand, yes, gets an eye roll. Gets a shunning of some kind. There's an emotional price to pay at the end of a demand. So, I, I talk a lot about requests versus demands. And just for everyone behind the scenes, sometimes I'm just with Melissa in a casual setting, and I'll say something, it'll sound like a demand.
Melissa: And I'll say "that sounds like a demand."
Maggie: And we have a lot of fun with it.
Melissa: Too funny. Okay. Let's see. Since we know that you can't come out publicly and say that I'm your favorite client forever and always.
Maggie: Oh, my goodness.
Melissa: What do you think it was about me that made me so coachable and so successful in the six months that we worked together in our marriage coaching relationship?
Maggie: Okay. I love this question. So, we're going to go back to the beginning of the question. You know, I think that as coaches we just, in some way, we like, fall a little bit in love with all of our clients. Because we hold them as their, as their favorite self, as their the highest, and most beautiful, and most self-expressed version of themselves.
So, I think a little bit—this isn't always the case—but I think a lot of times clients will feel like you must be their favorite one. But it's because whenever we're with that person, we're, we're looking at them from this place of really, um, the most empowering version of them is the only thing we see.
Melissa: Yeah, we have full belief in—
Maggie: And that feels very loving. Right? That feels very like, like, "oh, I'm the queen of the world." Right? So, I just want to say that that's why, for anyone who's like Melissa's clients, right? And you're listening to this and you're like, no, I'm her favorite, but there's however many of you listening and you're like, you all feel that way.
It's why. It's because when we're coaching you, we're looking at the highest and best, most amazing version of you, and that's all we see.
Melissa: So, true.
Maggie: So, I'm going to just say… that I also do want to say that although I love all my clients, I feel a little bit in love, and I have crushes on, on all my clients in a healthy, loving, empowering way.
Maggie: Not in a creepy way. I will say this, that when I wrote my book, the Questions for Couples Journal, it's the first book I've ever written, and I had a lot of nerves about it and a lot of things. And on my Google Doc when I was writing it—this is a true story—I wrote to my… I wrote myself a note. And it said, "Melissa is going to read this. You better make it good. Better not suck."
I think it was a little bit more like, better not suck—
Melissa: You used Melissa language instead of Maggie language.
Maggie: Yes, yes. And that sort of every time I opened it to work on the document, it, it was just like a reminder that there, there was like people in the world that were going to take this project to heart. That it was going to be important to them and that it was going to matter. But instead of just thinking about people in the world, right, I, I really used that connection that we have, that I think is so beautiful, to fuel that project. So, I do want to honor and celebrate that.
Melissa: Yes. I loved being your muse.
Maggie: Okay. So, the question was, "what was it about you that made you so coachable?"
Maggie: So, I think that you came with an open mind to try new things. So, you weren't attached to any version of, "I've never done this before," or "This doesn't make sense," or like if something didn't make sense, we would talk about it. You'd ask me, right? We'd clarify, but you weren't attached to like, just because you hadn't done it before, it was a no. You were always, always like, well, tell me more.
How could it work? You know that kind of thing. So, I think being open to trying new things is crucial for coachability. And I think you had, um, the energy of being determined. We can call it determined or committed. It was just like, you love your husband so much. And you were like, "I think our relationship could be better than it is right now. And I'm just leaving no stone unturned."
Maggie: Until that happens. And whatever we want to call that energy, it's like that level—I don't know why I'm thinking of like Lexus. Like the relentless pursuit instead of, of perfection, but of connection.
Melissa: Yeah. I love that. Yeah.
Maggie: You were very much like nothing is getting in my way. Even me.
Maggie: Toward your goal.
Melissa: Right, right. Right. So, good.
Maggie: And so, I think that was it. And then because of that, because you were open to new ideas and because you were, like, so determined, you just were willing to try anything, right? And sometimes I'd give you some wacky things to do, you know?
Maggie: And you were like, "okay, well let's see. Let's try it out. Let's see what happens." That's what I would say.
Melissa: I love it. Yeah. I would say that that's pretty spot on.
Maggie: Yeah. And yeah, can did you add anything to that?
Melissa: Yeah, no, I think I just knew that like we were made for more than what we had in our current relationship.
And I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. And I knew that the kids were going to be going off to college, and it was going to be just me and him. And I'm like, I want to make this the best it can possibly be.
Maggie: Yeah. Now, yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, that was so amazing about, so that was very strategic. Let's like let's keep breaking it down for everybody. So, right now, a lot of you listening to this podcast, listen to this podcast called Your Favorite You, because there's a yearning toward "there's something that could be my favorite that isn't my favorite right now."
Melissa: Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Maggie: So, you're listening to this and you're, you're feeling that yearning, and you're like, "well, what do I do with the yearning?"
So, what Melissa did was she listened to it. Right? She didn't just have the yearning and not to take action. She had the yearning. And then she said, "I yearn for a different relationship with my body." So, she worked with amazing Katrina UBell to cultivate that relationship with her body. Then she had that same yearning for like, oh, "I think my marriage could be even more amazing." And so, taking action on the yearning.
And the moment you saw it, like you didn't wait until the kids left. So, a lot, something a lot of people do is they'll just live with the yearning for a few years or decades. Right?
And no judgment. Right? Our society: it doesn't really set you up to know what the heck to do.
Maggie: When you have something like that in your heart.
Melissa: Yeah, you're supposed to get married and like to walk off into the sunset and, like, have it all be beautiful from then on out. Like according to movies and all the things, books, and society.
Maggie: Yeah. Yeah. And I, one of the things, themes that comes up a lot in my work is just like, listen, you can love a person and be annoyed by some of the things they do at the same time. It doesn't mean you have to get a divorce. Like, it's okay. You can, you can have more than one feeling toward a person. Just like you can have more than one feeling toward your job, right? Toward your business, even toward yourself.
You could love a lot of pieces of yourself and not be proud of the time that you gave, you know, a piece of your mind to the bank manager. Like, like, it's all right.
Melissa: I seem to recall this story, but we won't go into it.
Maggie: We won't go into it. I'm just saying I like to keep it really real and really human.
Melissa: Yeah. Oh yeah.
Maggie: And it's like, oh, I'm working through my anger, and I have this relationship with anger, and I'm going to make it healthy, and every, sometime, every once in a while—
Melissa: The cubanity comes out—
Maggie: I lose it. Just like everybody else. Right? Yeah. And then Cuban. So, I say the cubanity, like you don't want the cubanity unleashed on you. It's not a good thing. I say it with love. so that acting on the yearning, I think that also is something that's so key. So, if you're listening to this podcast and you like love Melissa's approach, when she tells you the different offers and the things that she does, like this is my invitation to you, to like listen to the yearning.
Because what happened—it's so interesting with Melissa and I, because we've worked together for so long, I've seen what happens after. Like the long-term effect of coaching.
And recently she and I were talking about the very first time that she applied to work with me and the questions that she answered. And then we looked at that together and it was so amazing to see like, oh, those things are like literally not issues now. And the thing she wanted is like her new normal.
Melissa: Right. So, powerful.
Maggie: So, listen to the yearning.
Melissa: Yeah. So, good. Okay. Let me ask you this.
Melissa: How has being a coach changed your life for the better?
Maggie: Oh, endless ways. I mean, I could not even count the ways. First, when I first graduated from a first certification program, I am a nerd, as we mentioned. So, I've done a lot of continuing education, but from the first one, it led to a new job with more money.
And then a year later, a promotion. So, just being able to understand the difference between, you know, thoughts and feelings and stories and, and the things that we teach in coaching. Like, oh, is that true? But is it? Is, is anything else also true? Just those little things that just led to just, in my career in HR, at the time, just amazing opportunities that opened up for me.
And just developed my own self leadership with myself and that kind of thing, which was phenomenal. And then, of course, starting my own business and, um, that was one of my dreams was to start my own business. So, to be able to do that. And then, in the course of running this business, obviously, you get to witness miracles.
Maggie: I mean, every day. It's just insane. Not to say that things don't go wrong, or bad things don't happen, or that we don't zig-zag like the humans we are. It's just we also get, because we work with so many people, we get to see the behind the scenes of the zig and the zag, right? We get to see like the time that you're like really low and you're really upset about something, and then the time that you break through that situation.
So, that has been amazing. But it's also, I mean, some really random things that I didn't expect. So, when it was first starting out, there was a show on XM Radio by, um, a fabulous talk show host. Her name is Cristina Saralegui. Mm-hmm. She was like the Latin Oprah when I was growing up. She's retired now. But back then she had a show on XM Radio, and they were looking for, um, guests.
And I like applied because I was a coach and they had me come to the studio and I got to meet her in person. So, this is someone who I like, grew up, you know, as a teen and all through my sort of young adult years, really admiring and loving her. And I got to, like, meet her and be on her show and talk in this panel.
I remember it very vividly. It was about gay marriage and I'm very much in support of people who love each other, loving each other and any permutation that that looks like.
Maggie: And so, it was also a very on point and a very, uh, you know, I was very passionate about what we were talking about. And some, but someone on that show… Melissa Parsons! Had the nonsense.
Brought the nonsense and said, "oh, the purpose of marriage is to have babies."
Melissa: Oh Lord.
Maggie: And I said, "oh, so I don't have children, so should I get divorced?" Like, it was just like, it was—listen, it wasn't Spanish.
Melissa: Oh, I can imagine.
Maggie: But anyway, so getting to meet like one of my idols, basically.
Melissa: Yeah. Yeah.
Maggie: I, that was never my sort of life plan when I became a coach, but stuff like that. And then getting to have relationships over time with amazing humans from all over the world and stuff like that. It's just been…
Melissa: Yeah, having a community, I think of like-minded people who are out there in the world trying to make the world a better place is, I don't know, I just can't say enough good about it.
Maggie: Yeah, I mean, the colleagues, the humans that you get to interact with, um, because of what you do is just absolutely, I mean, stunning. And then in my own marriage, right? Like, because I study these things and because I, I learn about these things, uh, you know, my husband and I have very open conversations about a lot of these things that, that we're talking about today.
And, and so, I mean, would I have the same relationship I have today if I wasn't, you know, doing this work? I don't know.
Maggie: But I'm guessing it would be a little different.
Melissa: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, good. So, good. So, good. Yeah. All right. Is there anything you want to share that I haven't asked you about?
Maggie: Oh, what do I want to say? I think if someone's listening to us right now, and your favorite you feels very far away. What I want you to hear from our voices is there was a time in our lives that it was very far away for us too.
Melissa: Yeah. So, good.
Maggie: And you're listening to us in a moment, in a chapter of our life where we're thriving, where we have worked through a lot of very difficult things.
You know, I've had those crying on the floor of the kitchen moments. Right. Those Dark Knight of the Soul.
Maggie: You're listening to us today in a very celebratory energy. But we have had those moments and will continue to have them because we're human. Yes. And so, if the favorite you feels far away, I just want to offer to you that it's not all or nothing.
There are pieces of you right now that you can look at and be proud of and say, "I got through this and it's a miracle." And I just invite you to tune into that part of you that's already your favorite you.
Melissa: Yeah. So, beautiful. How did I know you were going to make me cry?
Maggie: What's a miracle is that I haven't cried yet because usually I'm the crier in the family.
Maggie: Miracles. Miracles never cease.
Melissa: So, the other thing, I want to tack onto that, Maggie, and you can correct me if this doesn't hold true for you, but like my favorite me right now, I hope is not my favorite me a year from now. Or two years from now. Like, like you said, like we're constantly in evolution. And like there's never any, like, we can just like take ourselves out of the oven and be like, oh, I'm done like…