#138 Radical Honesty

Read the full episode transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there, beautiful humans. Welcome back to Your Favorite You, where we are going to explore the sometimes messy and always fascinating journey of becoming our favorite versions of ourselves. 

I'm your host and today we're talking about something that might make you squirm a little bit, and that is radical honesty. Let's be real, how many times this week have you said that you were “too busy” when you actually just didn't want to do something? 

Or how many times have you pretended to be fine when someone asks you how you were, even though you were struggling? Of course we've all been here. But what if I told you that these little white lies, and the bigger ones we tell ourselves about who we are and what we want, are actually tiny little prisons that we build around ourselves? 

Here's the thing. Every time you make up an excuse instead of simply saying, no thanks, I'm not interested, you're not just lying to someone else. You're reinforcing the idea that your true feelings aren't valid enough to stand on their own. You're telling yourself that the authentic you isn't acceptable without some sugar coating. Think about how exhausting it is to maintain these falsehoods, the mental energy spent on remembering which excuse you gave to which person, the cognitive dissonance of pretending to be someone that you're not, the anxiety of wondering if today's the day that your house of cards comes tumbling down. 

Let's be honest about what chronic dishonesty does to your mental health. When you consistently hide your truth, you're essentially telling your nervous system to stay on high alert. That vigilance or hypervigilance, the constant monitoring to make sure that you don't slip up, can trigger a low grade stress response that never fully turns off. Over months and years, this takes a serious toll. I've seen it manifest as anxiety disorders, depression, insomnia, and even physical symptoms like digestive issues and chronic pain. One of my clients spent so many years pretending her marriage was perfect that she developed a debilitating migraine disorder that mysteriously disappeared within weeks of finally acknowledging that this relationship was no longer healthy for her. 

Then you add in isolation. When you're not honest about who you are, what you need, and what you're experiencing, you can create an invisible barrier between yourself and others. You might be physically present at the dinner party, but emotionally you're alone in your deception. 

And perhaps most devastating is how habitual dishonesty erodes your relationship with yourself. When you consistently betray your own truth to please others or to avoid conflict, you're teaching yourself that your needs and feelings don't matter. 

Over time, you might even lose touch with what those authentic feelings are. I've worked with people who spent so many years people pleasing that they genuinely couldn't answer simple questions like, what do you want for dinner? Because they're so disconnected from their own desires. That shit is exhausting. And the kicker is, most of the time the discomfort we're avoiding by lying is momentary, while the freedom that we sacrifice by lying lasts far longer. 

Now, I'm not suggesting you suddenly tell your boss that his or her management style makes you want to fake your own death and move to Bali. Though honestly, the temptation is real sometimes. Radical honesty doesn't mean brutal honesty without compassion. 

You can start small. You can say things like, I don't want to attend the dinner, but thank you for inviting me. Instead of, oh, I'm so sorry, I have this thing that suddenly came up. You can say something like I need to take care of my mental health tonight. 

So I'm staying in instead of making up a fictional stomach bug. You could say this friendship isn't working for me anymore. And I need some space instead of ghosting someone and leaving them wondering what happened or pretending that you still want to be friends when that's no longer true. You could use words like, I don't have the bandwidth to take on this project, instead of saying yes and resenting it the entire time. You could say, I don't enjoy slasher movies, but I'd love to come up with something we both might like, instead of sitting through three hours of something that you absolutely hate. 

And you can certainly say, I'm still learning how to do this, instead of pretending you know everything when you don't. As an aside, I'm still learning how to do this. What's this, you ask? I'm still learning how to be a human being. 

And I love that you're listening to this podcast because it means that you acknowledge, at least on some level, that you're still learning how to be human too. These examples I just shared aren't cruel statements. They're clear, kind statements that honor both your truth and the other person's dignity and save everyone a whole lot of time and confusion. Let's talk about some of the bigger truths that we hide from, about our careers, relationships, desires, and dreams. 

The, I'm not actually happy in this marriage truth. The, I hate my prestigious job truth. The, I'm terrified of being alone truth. And the, I don't actually want children even though everyone expects me to truth. And finally the, I'm still carrying shame about something that happened years ago truth. These are the heaviest lies we carry and dropping them is both the scariest and most liberating act of all. I've seen it countless times now. 

The woman who finally acknowledged that her marriage was breaking her spirit and not just going through a rough patch. The executive who admitted her corner office came at the cost of her own well-being and walked away. 

The friend who finally told her parents she wasn't following their prescribed life path and watched the relationship transform after some initial pain. When I finally admitted that even though I still loved being a pediatrician, I wanted to become an entrepreneur and coach all the women. 

Despite many people in my life's expectations, it felt like removing a backpack of rocks that I had been carrying. The momentary discomfort of disappointing others or surprising others was nothing compared to the expansive relief of standing in my truth. 

There's something magical that happens when you start practicing radical honesty. It creates space for others to do the same. Your courage becomes contagious. Your relationships deepen because they're built on what's real, not on what's comfortable. 

I witnessed this recently when a friend admitted in our group chat that she is struggling with depression instead of continuing to post nothing but the highlights of her life. The floodgates opened, suddenly everyone was sharing their own struggles, things we'd all been carrying alone, thinking that we were the only ones not having the picture-perfect life we saw in each other's carefully curated social feeds. Or my client who finally told her team that she was overwhelmed and needed support, only to have three team members admit that they were drowning too. That honest conversation transformed their entire workplace culture. 

And the best ripple effect of this radical honesty is that you one day find yourself surrounded by people who love the actual you, not some carefully curated version you've been exhaustingly maintaining. 

The friends who can say I'm not actually in a place to hear about this problem right now and still be there for you tomorrow. The partner who can tell you when they need space without making up excuses. 

The colleague who can admit when they don't know something instead of bluffing. Radical honesty is a practice. You'll mess up, you'll overcorrect and maybe be a bit too blunt sometimes. You'll still feel the pull toward the easy lie. 

I've been there that time I finally worked up the courage to tell a close friend I was feeling neglected in our friendship, but I dumped all my build-up resentment on them at once instead of opening with curiosity. 

Turns out there's a difference between radical honesty and emotional dumping. The former creates connection, the latter often just more distance. With each truth you tell, and each lesson in how to tell it gets better, that authentic voice gets stronger. 

The gap between who you are and who you present to the world narrows, and in that narrowing lives a profound freedom that no external success or validation could ever match. So here's my challenge to you this week if you choose to accept it. 

Catch yourself in one white lie, just one, and course correct word truth. Notice how it feels in your body. Notice how it feels in your body to tell the white lie, and then notice how it feels in your body to tell the truth. 

And pay attention to what happens in the relationship. Then come back next week and tell me all about it. Remember beautiful humans, the truth will set you free, but first it might piss you off, make you uncomfortable, or force you to change. And that's exactly where the growth happens. 

Until next week, keep choosing your favorite you, the real one.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!