#203: Letter to Sweet Melissa, circa 1991

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Your Favorite You. Today, I have something a little bit different for you. This is a letter that I wrote to my 1991 self just recently because I found out that Jack has been dating his girlfriend, Anna, since high school.

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So they're on like year nine or something like that. Anna has three siblings, an older sister, a younger sister, and her baby brother. Her baby brother, Brady, who is a great kid, just graduated from high school, and his girlfriend, Hayton, is going to Ohio University this fall, which is, if you know me, you know, that's where I went to undergrad.

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And I was talking to her about it at Brady's grad party. And I said, where are you going to be living? And she said, McKinnon Hall. And I said, oh my God, I lived in McKinnon Hall. And I said my room number, which was 214.

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And she said, I think that's my room number. I was like, you've got to be kidding me. So I said, you got to check it out because if it is, that is just too wild. And so I did find out she's going to be living in the exact same dorm room that I lived in my freshman year, the same room 35 years later.

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And I don't know about you, but when something like that happens, when the universe hands me this coincidence that is this specific, I can't just let it be a fun fact. I have to like sit with it and contemplate and think back to 18-year-old me.

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And so I got to thinking about Melissa from 1991, 18 years old, moving into that room with zero idea of what was coming, no idea that any of this, the life that I'm living right now, was even possible.

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So I wrote her a letter. I'm going to read you some pieces of it. And hopefully by the end of this episode, I think you might want to write one to yourself too, to the version of you who maybe was not sure if she had much power, for sure knew she had no clue what she was doing, was just trying to figure it out.

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That powerlessness that I felt, the powerlessness that maybe you felt at 18 or 25 or last Tuesday, it's fake. Melissa of 1991 had so much more power and so many more choices than she knew. I think you probably do too.

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So with your permission, let's go back to Athens, Ohio. Okay. Melissa, the first thing I want you to know, this thing that you're working yourself half to death for right now, it works out way better than you expect, actually.

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But I have to tell you something first. It's a little weird. I'm 53 years old. I have a successful business. I have delivered a TEDx talk. And I still, still have the dream. I think you guys all know the one.

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Maybe yours is a little bit different than mine. But for those of us who were type A, high-achieving, want-to-be doctors, mine is Morton Hall, which is the math building at Ohio U, or it was. I don't know if it still is.

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I am in freshman calculus. I haven't been to class all semester, which is absurd. I never missed class, especially my freshman year. But in the dream, I haven't been to class all semester. I don't have a pencil.

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I'm desperately, frantically looking for the classroom because the test is happening right now and I'm not there. 35 years later, some part of my brain is still looking for that classroom, still searching for a pencil.

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So here's what I want to tell you, 18-year-old me. It's going to be okay. Better than okay. All the fucking work you're doing right now, it pays off. You get into medical school. That leads you to four years in Toledo where, you know, plot twist, you meet your person.

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You get your first choice of pediatric residency at Columbus Children's Hospital, and you end up practicing medicine in Columbus for your entire medical career. Here's the part I really want you to hear.

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You could probably do, you could definitely do a little bit less than you're doing right now, and everything will still turn out just fine. Now, I know you won't believe me. You're going to keep white knuckling it anyway, but I want it on the record.

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That stress that you were putting yourself under wasn't getting you anything extra. The outcome was going to come either way. Next, enjoy living in Athens, Melissa. Enjoy being able to walk everywhere.

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Enjoy the bike path along the Hocking River. Go hiking out in Appalachia. Being able to get anywhere in this little town on your own two feet is so fun. I need you to really soak that in because that kind of small-town walk-to-everything life, you're not getting it back for at least 35 years and not for the foreseeable future either.

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I want to be honest with you, Melissa, because that's the point of this whole letter. Out of everyone you meet this freshman year, only two of them really stick. Jen McGlone, you're still friends with Jen, though you haven't seen her in years.

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You would love to see her. And Jessica, one of your three roommates, sweet Jessica. You'll find her again on Facebook years later. And you'll follow each other's lives over social media from a distance.

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That's it. Two people out of your entire freshman class. But I don't want you to panic, please, because I know that's exactly what you're doing right now in that dorm room, feeling so lonely, wondering if you're doing college wrong because you haven't found your people yet.

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You are less than one year away from meeting some of the very best friends you will ever have. These friends you keep for decades. These friends of the kind where you get together every so often, oftentimes years apart, just based on everybody's lives and families and schedules.

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And it's like no time has passed at all. And you laugh until your face and your belly hurt. So shout out right now to Kelly, Megan, Marcy, Jen, Jen I, Karen, Kendra. You don't know their names yet, sweet Melissa, but you will.

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Okay, this next part is harder. Melissa, I know you're hurting right now. That breakup, your final one with him, it's going to be the kind of heartbreak that doesn't ever fully leave. I need to be honest with you.

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I'm 53 years old and I can still feel that ache in my chest sometimes when I think about it, the loneliness that you felt. It's not often, but it's there and it never fully goes away. And I want you to know that that's okay.

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That pain was necessary. You actually needed to feel every bit of it and see that you could survive it. Not just the breakup, but everything that came after. You keep going and you're going to be better than fine girl.

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Also, and I say this with love, he goes bald. I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. You'll laugh about that one day, I promise. You are going to love and be loved by some genuinely great guys before you meet the guy.

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And when you meet him, this part of your life turns out amazing. You build a family together. He's a wonderful husband, an incredible father to your two boys, and all of your fur babies that you guys collect along the way.

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It's work, but every great relationship is. Okay, moving on. Your body. I need you to hear this one, even though I know you can't feel it yet, even though the world has already started socializing it out of you.

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It started socializing it out of you in fucking grade school, for God's sake. Your body right now at 18 is amazing. You're going to wish that you spent more time walking that bike path. You're going to wish that you went to that amazing gym at the college more.

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You're going to spend so much time in the goddamn library and in the fucking lab. And I wish you'd give a little more of that time to your body instead. Because that body, that incredible body is going to gestate and nourish two big baby boys.

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It's going to run three half marathons, including one through the hills of San Francisco. And at 53, finally, finally, you're going to call yourself an athlete. You're going to go pose for a coffee table book about women athletes.

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You won't believe me right now, but I need you to try. This powerlessness that you feel right now, it's fake. You have so much more power, so much more choice that you can see from where you're standing.

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Enjoy the path you're on right now, though. Really enjoy it. In medicine and the lead-up to medicine, the steps are laid out for you. You got to get the good grades. You got to take the board. You got to do match day.

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You got to go through the residency. There's something comforting about that. Someone else built that staircase. All you have to do is keep climbing it. One day, get a load of this. You're not going to finish your career as a pediatrician.

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You're going to become an entrepreneur. I know you don't even know that word yet. You're going to start and own your own small business. You're going to have a podcast. You don't need to know what that is right now, but trust me, it's really cool.

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You're going to step onto a stage and deliver a TEDx talk. That's not a thing yet either, but it's going to lead you to other stages too, hopefully. And here's another honest part. As an entrepreneur, none of the steps are laid out for you.

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You have to build the staircase yourself, one step at a time. And sometimes you're building it while you're standing on it. That is both exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. You think you're so left-brained right now, and you are, but there's a whole creative side of you waiting to be discovered later in life.

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You get to make your own damn rules. You get to make your own schedule. It's crazy good. One more thing, since we're talking about power, you're always going to feel privileged where money is concerned.

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You work hard for it through your whole medical career. It doesn't grow on trees. It turns out mom and dad were right, but it gets to a point where you hardly ever carry paper money around that did grow on trees.

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And as time goes on, you develop a genuinely abundant mindset about money that serves you very well. Okay, miss, I want to tell you something about the 12 years of Catholic school behind you. You're going to spend some time unraveling and unlearning some of the harm that came from that.

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Believe it or not, you get more feminist, more liberal with time, not less. I want to give you permission to stop going to church now if you want. You don't have to wait. I do want to remind you that it wasn't all bad, though.

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You're still going to be in touch with Miss Vigentic every once in a while, Mrs. McKnight, and Mrs. Babola years and years from now. And spirituality, you're going to find your way to something that feels like spirituality, separate entirely from an organized religion.

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There's something else, though, and it's hard to say. Soon you're going to deliver a reading at Miss Garton's funeral. So please, please keep making time to visit your favorite English teacher when you're home.

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Don't let that one slip. And oh God, I hate to tell you this, your dad. He's going to die younger than you can possibly imagine right now. So take it easy on him every once in a while. I don't want to rush past that.

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I just wanted you to have it. On a lighter note, you only have your one sister, Megan, right now, so you cannot picture this. But you are going to become a full-blown sports-watching, sports-loving boy mom.

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You, the girl who's currently in the library instead of the gym, watching football and baseball and basketball and soccer on purpose. Oh, and golf for fun. I want to leave you with a few things that are still true for me right now at 53, because I think they'll matter to you more than almost anything else in this letter.

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Good relationships take intentionality. They take work. They take being willing to go first, to say the scary thing out loud, to admit that you have needs, to ask for help when you need it. Nobody is going to hand you a good marriage or a good friendship.

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You build it on purpose, one honest, hard thing at a time. And here's something I'll admit to you, 18-year-old me, because I think you need to hear it more than you need any other victory lap. I still feel no older than 22 most days in my own head.

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I am still sometimes waiting for the adult in the room to make the decision. Even though I have been the adult, the one people look to for more than three decades now. First, as a pediatrician, as a mom, as a coach.

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People have been trusting me with the biggest things in their lives for years, and some part of me is still looking around the room waiting for someone else to take charge. I want you to know that so that when it happens to you, and it will, you don't think something's wrong with you.

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It's just part of being human, I think. You're allowed to feel young inside a life that looks very grown up from the outside. Don't be afraid of failure. Don't be afraid of public embarrassment. We fail and we move forward.

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We embarrass ourselves sometimes on purpose and life goes on either way. I'll be honest with you though, I still fear both of those things to this day. That one doesn't go away, but it did stop running the show.

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Here's the last thing, and I think it may be the whole point. Girl, we are still learning, still growing to this day, and we want to keep doing that. That's the beauty of it. It's also the hard part.

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You are never, ever done. So, Melissa, that's the letter. I keep thinking about Peyton moving into McKinnon 35 years later. Absolutely no idea what's ahead of her either. None of us do when we're standing in that room for the first time.

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So here's what I want you to do, my favorite listeners. Think about a room. Maybe it's a dorm room, your childhood bedroom, your first apartment, somewhere that held a younger version of you who had no idea what was coming next.

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What would you tell her? Not to fix her, not to warn her away from any of it. Just to let her know she makes it. She makes it and it's better than she thinks. If you're so inclined, if you write this letter to yourself and you want to share it with me, I would love that.

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Please send it to Melissa at melissaparsonscoaching.com. If I get enough letters and if people are interested in sharing, what I might do is another episode where I share what you say without identifying you, unless you want to be identified, of course.

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But I think it might be really helpful to other people to hear experiences that are different than mine and maybe some that are similar, just so we feel less alone. So if you're so inclined to write yourself a letter, if you want to share it with me for a potential future episode where I will share some of my favorite listeners' words, I would love that.

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Okay, that's it for today, folks. I'll see you next time.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!