#145 Living in Integrity

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hello everyone, welcome back to Your Favorite You. 

Thanks so much for tuning in again this week. I know, or I hope you know, how much I appreciate it. So, last week I was shopping for a few groceries, which by the way, is not my thing usually. I'm so lucky to have a husband, Jonathan Phillip Parsons Sr., who loves to shop for food and who loves to grow food and who loves to cook for us. 

But there I was, doing the self-checkout, feeling a little rushed and out of my element. I loaded up my bags, walked out to my car, and as I'm putting groceries in my trunk, I notice the small jar of mayonnaise that I was planning to use for salad dressing. 

And I realized, oh shit, I never scanned that, I didn't pay for it. Now initially, a part of me that I'm not too proud to admit thought, oh well, no biggie, I didn't intend to steal the mayo, it was an honest mistake. 

But then of course, another part of me was like, girl, you are not going to be able to enjoy that salad at all if you know it was made with stolen contraband. So I unloaded all of the groceries into the trunk, walked back into the store with the mayo, and spent another $4.99 on mayonnaise. And you know what, I enjoyed the hell out of that salad and I put my head on the pillow that night with a completely clear conscience. 

Here's the thing, no one would have known that I took the mayo. I totally got away with it, but I would have known. And that was all that mattered to me. Today I want to talk about how living in integrity feels so damn good and why those small moments matter more than we think. 

Here's what I've learned about integrity. It's not about the big dramatic moments where we choose between obviously right and obviously wrong. And we could debate whether there is even right or wrong, but that's probably for another podcast. 

It's about these tiny everyday moments where we think no one will know, no one's going to know, or it's not that big a deal. But our bodies know, our nervous systems know. And there's this internal friction that happens when we act against what we know is right for us, even in the smallest ways. 

Let me give you another example that might hit closer to home for those of us who are parents. We want peaceful homes. We want our children to be able to have a secure attachment to us. That's our ultimate goal, right? 

We've read the books, we follow the Instagram accounts, we know that calm, connected parenting is what we're aiming for. And yet, and yet, sometimes we completely lose our cool with our kids. We yell, we throw our own tantrums, we become the very thing we're trying not to model for them. 

Now, I'm not saying that we should never have these human moments. We're not robots. But there's a difference between having a moment and then acknowledging it and having a moment and then telling ourselves, well, they needed to learn or I was just being firm. 

When we know damn well we were just dysregulated. When we compromise on these small moments of integrity with the mayo, with our kids, with ourselves, we create this low level internal static. It's like having an app running in the background of your phone that you forgot about slowly draining your battery. 

I was actually just talking to my trainer Cassie about this this morning as we were working out. I told her every time she leaves me during the workout to go to the bathroom, I think I could just not do these exercises. 

And then I'm like, wait, no, who is that cheating? That's cheating me. So anyway, we might not consciously notice it. But there's this subtle erosion of self-trust. Because if I can't trust myself to go back and pay for the jar of mayonnaise, if I can't trust myself to own my moments of dysregulation with my kids, if I can't trust myself to do 12 exercises instead of eight, what else am I willing to compromise on? 

The compound effect of these small compromises is real. Each tiny betrayal of our own values creates a little crack in our foundation. And over time, those cracks add up. Now, let's be real about why we make these compromises in the first place. 

Because in the moment, living out of alignment often feels easier, more convenient, less complicated. Standing in that parking lot, I was running short on time. I was already feeling a bit frazzled from being out of my usual routine. The part of me that wanted to just shove that mayo in my bag and get the hell out of there wasn't trying to turn me into a criminal. It was trying to solve a problem. It was trying to save time and get me back into my comfort zone. 

And when we lose control with our kids, often there's a part of us that's overwhelmed, touched out, running on empty. The part that snaps isn't evil. It's trying to create some space, some boundary, some relief from the intensity of parenting that can happen sometimes. 

Our parts aren't bad for wanting these things, but here's what I've noticed. When we act from these places of convenience or overwhelm, without acknowledging what's truly happening, it creates this internal dissonance. 

It's not about having different parts with different needs. That is natural and beautiful. It's about when those parts pull us away from what we know serves our highest good and we pretend it's something else. 

When I'm sharp with my kids because I'm overwhelmed and then tell myself they needed boundaries or they were being disrespectful, I'm not honoring either the part of me that needed space or the part of me that wants to parent with integrity. I'm just creating confusion. This misalignment can show up in our bodies. That tightness in your chest when you know you're compromised, the way you can't quite meet your own eyes in the mirror, the restless energy that comes from knowing you're not living as your favorite version of yourself. 

And then the stories we tell ourselves to justify these moments, they're exhausting. It was just this once; no one got hurt; I had a good reason. We spend so much mental energy defending choices that we know don't align with who we want to be. 

Here's the beautiful thing about integrity. The payoff is immediate and real. That salad really did taste better. I really did sleep better that night. And it wasn't because the mayonnaise was somehow different. It was because I was different. When we live in alignment with our values, we create this internal spaciousness. There's no background act draining our battery, no mental energy going toward managing stories or avoiding our own reflection. 

There's a confidence that comes from knowing that you can trust yourself, not trust that you'll be perfect because believe me, I'm not. Trust that when you mess up, you'll own it. Trust that when you have a choice between convenience and integrity, you'll choose integrity. Trust that your actions and your values are actually aligned. This is what I call the integrity dividend. It's the extra energy you have when you're not managing multiple versions of yourself. It's the clarity that comes when your own internal compass is actually pointing true north. It's the peace that comes from being your own witness instead of performing for an audience that may not even be watching. 

When I went back into that store, I wasn't doing it for the cashier, or the store manager, or some cosmic justice system, I was doing it for me. Because I know that the version of me who can walk past a small compromise is the same version who might walk past bigger ones. And with our kids, when we can own our own moments of dysregulation, when we can say, I lost my cool, and it wasn't cool, and it wasn't about you. We're not just modeling accountability, we're maintaining our own integrity. We're keeping that internal alignment intact. 

Now, I know some of you may be listening, thinking to this, this sounds great, Melissa, but what if I've already royally screwed up? What if I've acted so far out of line with my values that I don't even know how to get back? First, take a beat. You're not a bad person because you acted against your values. You're a human person who has parts that sometimes get activated and take over when you're overwhelmed, scared, or in survival mode. 

I've worked with clients who have said things to their children that they deeply regret. My God, I have said things to my children that I deeply regret. I've worked with clients who have betrayed their partners, clients who've acted in ways that feel so far from who they want to be, that they can barely look at themselves in the mirror. 

And here's what I want you to know. That shame spiral that you might be in, it's not serving your integrity. It's actually keeping you stuck. Shame tells us we are bad. Guilt tells us we did something that doesn't align with our values. 

Guilt is useful. It's data and information. Shame is just punishment. Guilt actually is only useful if it's because we did something that doesn't align with our values. Go back and listen to my Mom Guilt podcast if you have questions about that. 

So if you're carrying shame about past actions, the first step back to integrity isn't more self-flagellation. It's curiosity. What part of you was driving that behavior? What was it trying to protect or provide? Not to excuse the behavior, but to understand it. Maybe the part that snapped at your kid was overwhelmed and trying to create space. Maybe the part that betrayed trust was terrified of abandonment and trying to control the outcome. Maybe the part that acted selfishly was desperate for recognition and trying to be seen. Understanding does not equal excusing. It does equal compassion. And you cannot shame yourself back into integrity. 

You can only love yourself back into alignment. The path back starts with acknowledging what happened without the story about what it means about who you are. "I acted against my values," is very different from "I am a terrible person." One creates space for repair and growth. The other creates space for more shame and more disconnection from your values. Then comes the repair work. Sometimes it's apologizing, sometimes it's not, but it actually is doing the work to understand what led to that moment and what you need to do to make different choices moving forward. 

And this of course is not a one-time thing. This is the ongoing practice of being human while trying to live with integrity. You're gonna mess up again. I'm gonna mess up again, for sure. The goal isn't perfection, it's consciousness and course correction. 

Now for me, authenticity and integrity are two of my highest values. When I'm living in alignment with them, life for me just flows so much easier. But your values may be different and that's exactly as it should be. 

Maybe for you it's kindness. And you know that feeling when you've been sharp with someone and your body holds the tension. Or maybe it's connection. and you feel the difference between when you're truly present with someone versus just going through the motions. 

Maybe you value belonging and you notice how it feels in your body when you're pretending to be someone you're not to fit in. Maybe you value contribution and you can sense when you're phoning it in versus when you're really showing up with your gifts. 

It could be generosity, justice, reliability, perseverance, responsibility, simplicity. There's a million values out there. Whatever your core values are, your body knows when you're living in alignment with them and when you're not. 

Here's what I want you to know. You're probably already doing a much better job of living within your values than you think you are. Most of us are. We focus so much on the times we fall short that we forget to celebrate the countless times we choose integrity over inconvenience, connection over comfort, authenticity over approval. 

But I also want you to start noticing, really noticing how it feels in your body when you're aligned with your values versus when you're not because your body is this incredible compass and it's always giving you information about whether you're living as your favorite you. 

So here's my general challenge for you. Start paying attention to those small moments, the mayo moments, the parenting moments, the workout moments, the moments where a part of you knows what's right and another part of you wants to take the easier path. 

Notice what it feels like in your body when you choose alignment over convenience. Notice the spaciousness, the clarity, the quiet confidence that comes from being able to trust yourself. And when you do compromise because you will, because you're human, notice that too. 

Not to shame yourself, but to learn. What was that part of you trying to do? What did it need? How can you honor both that need and your commitment to living with integrity? Living in integrity isn't about being perfect. 

It's about being real. It's about aligning your actions with your values not because someone is watching, but because you are. You are always your own witness. And as far as I can tell, you are always living with yourself. 

And when you can trust yourself in those small moments, when you can go back and pay for the mayo, when you can own your parenting mistakes, asking for a do-over, when you can choose authenticity over approval, you create this foundation of self-trust that changes everything. 

That's how living in integrity feels so good, not because it's always easy, but because it's always true. And there's nothing quite like that feeling of being completely, authentically, unapologetically yourself. 

It's almost like you become your favorite you. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next week.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!